Sunday, 27 September 2009

I have woken up today feeling terribly guilty. Last night I ended up spending over 2 hours on Msn, chatting to Bad Relationship Man. (I only spent about half an hour talking to The Swede last night). Since we met in the flesh almost one year ago, it's been almost impossible to drag any feelings or opinions out of BRM, & that was why I made the decision to move on, even tho I was never really sure of what had happened. However, last night, the conversation took a turn, and at times was actually quite tender. I asked him if he could remember what some of our intimate moments had been like, and he replied saying Yes, and that "There were too few moments like that".
I've felt terrible ever since, as if I am betraying The Swede. I know he would be upset & worried if he knew I had had such conversation with BRM. But at the same time, BRM seems to be so screwed up generally (he has horrendously-low confidence and never believed me when I had said I loved him), that I know the chances that anything could have "properly" happened with him in the end, were remote anyway.
However, the fact that someone is a screw-up & things will never take off with them anyway, isn't really justification in to keep in touch with them (& possibly hurt your loving partner), if you were formerly involved...I know that.
Is it the fact that myself & BRM never had an ending? Is that why I can't seem to stop myself? I'm off to hide under the covers to ponder that question now.


  1. Hi there - thank you so much for your lovely comment on my page! Sounds as though you have a lot on your plate, and I do admire the regularity with which you blog - mine seem to be unpredictably few and far between. The possibility of an exciting new life in Sweden sounds as though it could be promising, but do be careful re: BRM. I think he sounds like Trouble. Hope your little boy's enjoying his guitar (and don't let him learn Smoke on the Water - you may live to regret it).

  2. Thanks for your comments, think you're definitely right re BRM! I'll also take heed of the guitar warning :-D